Snapshot: A bit of hard-won honesty.

in Growth & Wellness/Snaphot by

People see me I’m sure in many different ways – happy, funny, loving, dedicated, etcetera. What I neglect to show is my depression. “Really?! YOU’RE depressed?” some might say. And I would reply unequivocally, “Yes.”

I hide it of course behind my “say what’s on my mind” attitude and my coarse black humour. Those who know me might not understand what I have to be depressed about. I’m loved, safe, have money, athletic, and much more.

The truth is, folks, I’m haunted. Haunted by every mistake of judgment, every bad decision, every heart I broke. It really stems from childhood, back before I was adopted. I was born with nothing, and from 0 to 6 years old, bounced between so many places that I really don’t have roots. Being born with FASD made me different, sometimes in ways I don’t like. I can’t tell when someone’s “taking the piss” with me or straight up bs’ing.

Back when I was still drinking, that little humdinger helped some take advantage – took my money, lied to me. You might say I’m dwelling on the past but you know it still hurts.  Then, I cared more for liars and cheats than I did for myself or those who loved me.

Even now, with all that’s going right and well for me, I look at others who travel, have a family, do harder work and have more money, and I don’t feel envy, not exactly, more like “less than.” I couldn’t hack doing construction or ferry work so though I save every dollar, I wish I could do more.

Maybe I’m just pissin’ and moanin’ but life feels like it could be better. Am I ready for the next step, whatever that might be? Time will tell.

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2 Comments

  1. Hernibs thank you!! I love hugs by the way!! I am deeply moved by your kind yet straightforward words. I especially appreciate when you said “Our belief in truth and not being able to play the games others play is not a fault, it too is a gift” You made my day ♥ Thank You

  2. I wish I could give you a big long hug Michael, and reassure you, on this snowy cold day, that all is as it should be and you are fine just as you are. The truth is, many of us have had tough things happen to us, even from birth, and have mental or body issues that won’t go away no matter what we try. It’s the climb back up that gives significance to whatever slide down we took. We need to never forget the descent nor how our plodding back uphill has strengthened us. We stay away from precipices now because we have learned to. We see others hell bent on going over their edge, whatever it may be, and we can send them love and peace and blessing to find a way back up, as we have done. Comparing oneself to others is not helpful at all. We can not see where they came from nor what they have been through. Our view is clouded by the mist of our own desires to be different from who we are, but I have deduced, we are who we are BECAUSE OF what we have been given. Our empathy for others who struggle is a priceless gift that many do not have the ability to give. Our discontent with stuff inspires others to value what is more important. Our belief in truth and not being able to play the games others play is not a fault, it too is a gift.
    Just look at that snow. They say each flake is unique. Just like we are.
    Whatever the next step entails, I hope it will include a choice to be happy just being you, just as you are, where you are now.

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