People see me I’m sure in many different ways – happy, funny, loving, dedicated, etcetera. What I neglect to show is my depression. “Really?! YOU’RE depressed?” some might say. And I would reply unequivocally, “Yes.”
I hide it of course behind my “say what’s on my mind” attitude and my coarse black humour. Those who know me might not understand what I have to be depressed about. I’m loved, safe, have money, athletic, and much more.
The truth is, folks, I’m haunted. Haunted by every mistake of judgment, every bad decision, every heart I broke. It really stems from childhood, back before I was adopted. I was born with nothing, and from 0 to 6 years old, bounced between so many places that I really don’t have roots. Being born with FASD made me different, sometimes in ways I don’t like. I can’t tell when someone’s “taking the piss” with me or straight up bs’ing.
Back when I was still drinking, that little humdinger helped some take advantage – took my money, lied to me. You might say I’m dwelling on the past but you know it still hurts. Then, I cared more for liars and cheats than I did for myself or those who loved me.
Even now, with all that’s going right and well for me, I look at others who travel, have a family, do harder work and have more money, and I don’t feel envy, not exactly, more like “less than.” I couldn’t hack doing construction or ferry work so though I save every dollar, I wish I could do more.
Maybe I’m just pissin’ and moanin’ but life feels like it could be better. Am I ready for the next step, whatever that might be? Time will tell.